My Gym Peeps

Most of us belong to a gym or we have in the past. If you don’t exercise in a gym, I’m assuming you exercise on your own at home, in the park, at a friend’s house, or some random parking lot. If you don’t exercise at all, shame on you, get moving! If you do or have belonged to a gym, I’m sure you have run across your share of different types of people. These types of people can be seen at every gym in the country, except maybe CrossFit gyms where they have their own little groups of people that I can make fun of some other time. Below are my favorite types of people to watch at any globo-gym.




6. The Baby Doll – We’ve all seen her. She is the ridiculously hot girl that genetics has allowed her to eat whatever she wants and she doesn’t gain a pound. We know this because when she “works out”, she jumps on the elliptical machine (‘nuff said), never gets her heart rate above 80, texts the entire time, and leaves. Absolutely no energy is exerted in her effort to exercise. Oh yea, and she’s wearing full makeup, hair done, and extremely tight clothes. Not that I mind looking at these types, but they are absolutely wasting space in the gym.

5. The Kids – This is the group of four or five 16 year-olds that come in to the gym, hang around the bench press for about a half hour then move over to the squat rack and do bicep curls for another half hour, then go to the leg press for another half hour, then leave. Each person in the group only gets about 3 sets in because the spend so much time talking about what they read in Muscle and Fitness or texting or just general BS that they get nothing done. Then they brag about how they worked out for an hour and half and feel like they are just beast mode. Again, wasting space…especially in the freaking squat rack when doing curls.

4. The Old Guy – This guy total cracks me up and I love seeing him. He’s the guy that wears knee high socks, Bike shorts so short you can see his bulge, a shirt that is at least 20 years old, and a headband. He does all of the old school exercises like bench press, squats, shoulder press, pull-ups, and curls. The only problem is he only goes through about half of his range of motion and has absolutely terrible form. But he doesn’t need to learn form because this is what he’s done for 56 years. It worked then so it must work now. And don’t you dare give him any advice because he will throw a dumbbell at you faster than you can say “get off of my lawn”.

3. The Couple – This one drives me crazy. It’s always a guy and a girl where the guy is “teaching” the girl how to exercise. He’s “teaching” her proper form, what exercises to do, exercise physiology, biomechanics, quantum physics, how to perform surgery, and how to disassemble a bomb. The girl is usually someone that takes whatever her boyfriend says as gospel and the boyfriend’s knowledge comes from the pages of Muscle and Fitness or Bodybuilding.com. He’s also about 20 lbs. overweight and has no idea what’s talking about and is going to get his girl, himself, or both of themselves injured.

2. The “CrossFitter” – I put quotations on this because he’s not a real CrossFit guy. He’s the guy that has seen the CF games on ESPN and thinks because he’s seen a clean and snatch done by super elite athletes a few times, he knows exactly what to do. He also thinks because he’s seen a few cross training style workouts on The Games, he knows exactly how to program his workouts to get the most of his strength, power, and cardio. He does deadlifts, squats, snatches, and kettlebell swings with a form that WILL, I repeat, WILL get him injured and then he’ll talk about how stupid CrossFit is (which it is but not for the same reason he is talking about).

1. The Gym Lawyer – This is the guy that I want to kick in the balls every time I see him. He’s the one that spends 2 hours in the gym, does 3 sets of 3 different exercises, and TALKS TO EVERY PERSON IN THE GYM AND TRIES TO TEACH THEM HOW TO EXERCISE. This guy is usually between the ages of 40-55. He has exercised for a long time and knows exactly what everyone else needs to be doing in the gym. He has also read Muscle and Fitness along with Bodybuilding.com. He knows exactly what you’re doing wrong with your workout, exactly what is wrong with your form, exactly what you need to add to your workout, and exactly what you need to eat. This guy is also a complete douche and has absolutely no idea what he is talking about. If you see him, run as fast as you can towards the nearest rowing machine. I say this because he has no idea why anyone would use such a silly machine so he won’t go anywhere near it. Run fast. The rowing machine is his kryptonite. Don’t make eye contact, just leave him alone and hope he leaves you alone. If you are an attractive girl, may God have mercy on your soul because he will come at you faster than Usain Bolt can run 100 meters.